I am a clinical psychologist in San Francisco with 30 years of experience evaluating and treating adults with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Do you have Aspergers Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) or know someone who does? Maxine Aston's Cassandra cult blames any relationship issues on allegedly undiagnosed autistic males. In my practice, I have learned that with proper context, the diagnosis (or even the descriptor of "neuroatypical") brings both relief and despair. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) disregard and violate the rights of others. I am also a Consultant of Cassandra Syndrome. Of course, it is possible that people in someones life will react to the diagnosis of Aspergers by alienating themselves from that person. He had no awareness of mine or our childrens feelings, how our feelings may impact an event or situation and it became despairing. Copyright 2023 Couples Therapy Inc., all rights reserved. Surprisingly, when friends and acquaintances heard her say this, they acted as if she was describing someone they didnt know. Believing Cassandra is part of New Path Couples Therapy, Inc., a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. Still others silently pray or say phrases to reduce anxiety or prevent a dreaded future event while others will put objects in a certain order or arrange things perfects in order to reduce discomfort. The only thing that helps is when he realizes that his ex-wife said many of the same things I mention. Indications that these characteristics are causing significant problems in relationships, work or other important areas of the persons life. He still does. Cassandra Syndrome. An example is previous medical reports documenting signs of early language delays and/or peculiarities, coordination problems, behavioral difficulties or unusual physical problems. So no mention then, of similar distress experienced by a neurotypical man married to a neurodiverse woman ? Difficulty interpreting non-verbal communication and subtle aspects of how people relate to each other is characteristic of adults with Aspergers. I was in it less than a day because these spouses (married to autistics) are calling them retarded and slamming literally everything about being autistic. Cassandra Syndrome is not an accepted psychiatric diagnosis but is a description of a historic pattern of women not being believed. Website And, as I warn them, "Each of you will believe that you are doing most of the work.". After speaking to him last night I started doing some reading about the feelings from my side that have motivated my input to what I now realise has contributed to the downfall of our marriage and found cassandra syndrome. A simple feeling or intuition isnt enough and is not understood as being valid;. If not, please consider joining anyway: You can watch the video-recording of the sessions, follow along with the assignments, and message other members as needed anytime you want all of which will be the work needed to heal.First-time members registration fee is $99.00 but only $79.00 thereafter (if you decide to go another round). There has to be reduced sharing of interests and a lack of emotional give-and-take. Having said that, there are important differences between the two. The intimacy between us is getting worse almost non existent. Adult Asperger Assessment (AAA) (include link, for each test below), Friendship and Relationship Quotient (FQ), Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale (RAADS), The Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test (RMET). Not surprisingly, confidence and self-esteem are frequent victims of living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder adult. Are you looking for a reference guide about Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults? And help you resolve resentments and regrets - to release personal suffering. Yes he is loyal and hard-working. If your partner with ASD (or Aspergers) does not see his contribution to the relationship problems, and refuses to work on repairing the damage done, then I really want to hear from you! Dr. Kenneth Roberson is an Adult Autism Psychologist in San Francisco with over 30 years of experience. Others repeat behaviors or say names or phrases over and over hoping to guard against some unknown harm. . He's so calm, loving, always home with you, doesn't beat you, doesn't drink or cheat on you etc. I am not ASD but I am sensitive to bursts of anger, which make me feel ill afterwardsphysically ill, worn out. I am willing to travelbut i need the best!!! -Dr. K, How do I find a therapist that will work through my trauma with me, from this relationship (25 years)? I find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to be someone else. Now youll have the moral support youve needed for so long.Ill be recording the sessions, so if you cant attend live, there will still be some benefit to joining the group. (Mark, you may share this testimony on any platform publicly with my first name displayed.) I find it easy to read between the lines when someone is talking to me. Thanks, Maya! And I'm also thankful that I was introduced to this job role wherein I not only benefited from my work but also I'm learning in most cases the articles I read are having a significant impact on my personality as well as my understanding of people around me suffering this type of issues. Employers are more likely to understand the ability and needs of an employee should that employee make the diagnosis known. We had 6 kids in 10 years when I wanted 3. They dont know how to act appropriately in social situations and thus tend to avoid them. Thank you for reaching out, someone will be in touch over email with some information that you can share with your daughter. FYI: Im limiting the group to 30 members or less, because I want there to be plenty of time for one-on-one attention (although you wont be required to talk if you dont feel comfortable doing so). While it was named after a mythical woman, it is not restricted to wives in neurodiverse marriages, but can happen with either gender. Very validating! Complete . Cassandra Syndrome is a term that describes the emotional and psychological distress that a neurotypical woman experiences when she marries a neurodiverse man. Because my husband is very quiet and appears affable and friendly in public (does not talk for three hours straight on a favorite topic like his father, and this is not an exaggeration), I didn't suspect ASD for a very long time. Not once in 33 years did I ever hear my spouse say, how are you, or how was your day? There were religious rules about everything and especially about money. It has taken me this long to realize my husband is "on the spectrum". Never once has the phrase 'oh. Aspergers and Social Anxiety Disorder share the common element of discomfort in social situations. Thank you so much for this. I am a clinical psychologist in San Francisco with 30 years of experience evaluating and treating adults with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). End of. His world is black and white, except when it comes to his own behavior. The phrase, He wears his heart on his sleeve, does not make sense to me. It describes a situation where an individual with Asperger's Syndrome (a form of autism spectrum disorder) is in a relationship with a neurotypical partner. A compelling vision rooted in your highest values so that you may return to or, for the first time, establish a strong sense of self. I need help, I feel my health is detiorating. An example of this is difficulty noticing whether people are bored or not listening in conversations. I am so grateful that I came across this group on Facebook and went through the program. My work is always client focused and I work with individuals, couples, families and companies. They may have preferences for how they handle sensory input like music, touch, sounds, and visual sensations but generally the way they handle these situations is much like other adults. Feelings of guilt. Santa Ana, CA. It can be exciting to consider how ones life can change for the better knowing what one is dealing with. When I hit 30, this particular group will be closed. *Also*in this regard, it is hard to separate strands of ASD from strands of regular human resistance to growing closer; for instance, my partner had early experiences that impacted his attachment style. But in practice it is complicated and necessities a professional who understands thoroughly not just the characteristics of Aspergers but how they are played out in real life. In addition, people with SPD typically do not show these features until late adolescence or adulthood. They get distracted easily and jump from one interest or activity to another. A lot of it was hard because it challenged me to face my negative emotions surrounding my husband being on the autism spectrum. If youre ready to get started, register using the PayPal Buy Now button below. Alexithymia is the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions. I will describe the types of information that is sought in an assessment for Aspergers and how that information is collected. Do you provide counseling services to Canada? The communication gap between autistic and allistic people isnt anyones fault, so stop trying to put the blame on autistic people. Both believe that. They believe that their partner gets off with a much less onerous task. Maybe this will suit another ASD spouse, but not me. In my clinical experience, they also often have greater social skills at blending. However, these relationships can also have problems, as you point out. I finally went and got my tubes tied after seeing what kind of father he was; I left him with my very young kids one Saturday morning to shop and came home to find him sleeping on the couch with his back turned to the kids. They readily understand when a statement such as, its raining cats and dogs is being used as a figure of speak and not as a literal statement. He means well and is a good-man. There may appear to be some overlap between Aspergers and APD, but the resemblance is superficial. . Thank you so much! The term is derived from Greek mythology. This hatred wont evaporate, but it can be answered by factual information that addresses the phenomenon more correctly. The Cassandra Syndrome was coined to describe the difficulty NT partners experience when trying to get acceptance and understanding from their neurodiverse partners, relatives, and therapists. Sex was awful, he had issues but refused to discuss them, was awkward with intimacy and would never offer affection unless you specifically asked for it. Despite her accurate predictions, Cassandra was ridiculed and disregarded, seen as insane and irrational. Like the mythological character, she knows what's happening to her, but she's not believed. I work with women who have been married to NA for decades. He never understood. If he feels it is wrong, then it is wrong. By deliberately misleading these women, the individuals promoting this agenda are not only acting unethically, but also causing significant harm to the affected women, their families, and in some cases, innocent men who are being unjustly blamed for relationship difficulties. Women are relieved, and it reduces the demonization, it doesnt increase it. I am looking for ways to minimize the impact of being around sudden storms of swearing that I cannot tell are coming (I don't know the "rumble" signs; I will ask him to look out for them and help me understand how they manifest, once he knows). Is it different in adults than it is in children? At one point, they will have extreme energy, be unusually happy, energetic, talkative, feel wonderful about themselves and on top of the world, have little need for sleep, be drawn to unimportant or irrelevant activities, and generally act unlike themselves. My friend and landlady who is Aspie says, "When you've met one ASD person, you've met one ASD person. Online Support Groups and Discussion Forums AANE's online support groups and discussion forums are an opportunity to connect, share common experiences, and learn about valuable resources. Now I'm positive. If your spouse is saying she has Cassandra syndrome it's possible she's joined some of these groups and her outlook is becoming tainted by them. In my clinical experience, these unions face a unique set of issues. These and other symptomsof the Cassandra PhenomenonorCasandra Syndrome were described two decades years ago. Upon reading more about it I realise that this is me over the last year, emotions amplified and heightened by the lockdown. NTs are the victim, especially if we were not told of this neurodivergence before marriage. In fact, I often find it unhelpful to offer any official diagnosis to the spouses I work with other than to tell them that I think one is neurodiverse. While often gendered, its actually quite possible for either sex. He has never been in trouble with the law, is reliable and honest. Help! Additionally this caused me to question my sanity. Do you have Aspergers Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) or know someone who does? This term continues to be used in both professional circles (Margot Alexis recently presented Healing from Cassandra Syndrome at the Neurodiverse Love Conference in March 2023). I NEED HELP!!! The line reads, "Typically, only when their children are diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum do those around her begin to question whether her husband may be likewise neurotypical." I come from a very supportive family and work as a recreational therapist in an inpatient unit at our local hospital. The third and final meeting is a time to clarify questions that were not completely answered in the previous meetings, gather additional information and raise additional questions that have emerged from the information collected so far. I also have said specifically here that both spouses must change and most of them feel like they have most of the responsibility TO change. Setting an appointment for therapy or consultation helps a lot because they are the one who connects the link making sure it is bonded tight, citing an example from Cassandra is a big help and I have a deeper understanding of this type of situation. People with ADHD will do things without considering the outcome of their actions. e You: Thriving Beyond Cassandra Syndrome". It is called 'Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD'. Teach the couple how to relate to one another, and the symptoms recede. They frequently lack empathy and tend to be callous, cynical and contemptuous of the feelings, rights and suffering of others. There are real changes that can occur once couples have better ways to understand, communicate, and gain greater empathy. I can use all kinds of self-soothing, EFT, meditation, etc. He was never diagnosed, but after learning more I am realizing that he must have it. Also, most autistic people I know spend every day trying to make sure their actions dont come off as rude or offensive. They dont gain a great deal of happiness from getting close to people. When I assess someone for Aspergers I ask to meet face-to-face for three meetings. I have ONLY seen Cassandra syndrome talked about in literal hate groups. This 6-week group coaching and therapeutic community is in service of attending to your highest good and deepest well-being and bringing joy back to your life! The Cassandra phenomenon depicts a state of confusion, self-doubt, and inner turmoil that is all too familiar among neurotypical people who, when describing their experiences with an adult on the spectrum, are doubted, discounted, ignored, even rejected by friends, family members, and sometimes professionals who disbelieve their account. Do better with the victim blaming. One is the intense aloneness at having ones experiences either disbelieved or outright denied. They may be overly sensitive to one kind of sensation and avoid that persistently. There is a lot of true hatred and misinformation that is spread across the internet regarding neurodiverse people. Our groups are facilitated by Lisa Anzuldua, one of our caring team members. If you have any questions, please email me: Cassandra Syndrome Recovery Support-Group on Facebook, Decreased interest in sex and physical contact, Desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake, Disturbed sleep and early morning wakening, Domestic abuse (emotional and/or physical), Extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (over activity), Feelings of anger, depression and anxiety, Feelings of hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings, High relational conflict with the ASD spouse, Irritability and desire to avoid social contact, More vulnerable to infections and other illnesses, Reduced marital or relationship satisfaction. Now I have a term to describe my experience. She has a remarkable memory, is able to converse in detail about a wide range of subjects, is outgoing and adventurous, and has a quirky but engaging sense of humor. The dominate fear associated with social situations is of being closely watched, judged and criticized by others. My friend Lyman had polio, was from an educated and well-to-do family with high-end doctors, and instead of being told to rest and keep his arm still (his affected limb), was given a course of rigorous PT like therapy that restored most of his movement. Yes, but the list is shorter than the list of advantages. I am different. I will not sacrifice myself-worth for peer acceptance. I am a good and interesting person. I will take pride in myself. I am capable of getting along with society. I will ask for help when I need it. I am a person who is worthy of others respect and acceptance. I will find a career interest that is well suited to my abilities and interests. I will be patient with those who need time to understand me. I am never going to give up on myself. I will accept myself for who I am. Feeling confused/bewildered. I may not realize how something is impacting you, but if you talk about it, I may be able to recognize how it impacts you. Her family members don't understand what she's troubled by. Instead, their future will be filled with loneliness and alienation from others with no expectation of improvement. Adults with ADHD, on the other hand, understand social situations more accurately and they engage much easier in social situations even though they are easily distracted and often not observant of whats going on around them. Shining a little extra light on the fact that it is always important, with every human being, to consider the whole person in addition to noting strands of commonality. This can reach a point where social situations are avoided completely. In truth, people with Aspergers behave in many different ways and not always exactly how it is defined. One husband observed: My wife is highly intelligent and quite competent in her field. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing their mind and they have definitely lost a part of themselves. Presenting these findings is a multi-step process. I finally went and had my tubes tied and this, against my faith and what I believed about male leadership. The REASON for an ASD meltdown is different than the reason for a tantrum, yes And. Most of the couples I work with have seen one or more therapists who lack training in neurodiversity, particularly combined with science-based couples therapy training. Given the confusion with another similarly named disorder, Affective Deprivation Disorder (AfDD) was proposed by Maxine Aston. The impact on being around one is actually worse. When he was anxious hed go into overdrive cleaning and re-organising the house and expect everyone to stop whatever they were doing and help. Those signs and symptoms are often subtle and it takes someone with considerable experience to tell whether they are present and, if so, whether there is enough of a case to say confidently that the person has Aspergers. But there is also the Cassandra Syndrome or Cassandra affective Disorder (CAD) which is a series of symtpoms that are commonly felt by the N/T person in an Aspergers relationship. Symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome may include: Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods Decreased interest in sex and physical contact Desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake Disturbed sleep and early morning wakening Domestic abuse (emotional and/or physical) Extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (over activity) Fatigue I feel an unbearable loneliness, which I dont believe I deserve. We are supported by the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Center at Cal State Fullerton, which is involved in research and education related to FM and other chronic pain disorders. The second meeting focuses on the persons background, particularly information about the persons early family life; previous school experiences; past friendships, employment and intimate relationships; childhood emotional development and functioning, and significant interests throughout the persons life. Long-term the woman can develop frustration, poor self-esteem, rage, anxiety or depression. Another woman running an Aspergers "partners support group", toting Maxine Aston's bizarre doctrine and connections to hate groups like the late "Heartless Aspergers" website, convinces women their husbands have undiagnosed Aspergers and are the root of all problems. History Sitting down and talking to someone makes the difference between an assessment of Aspergers that has a high degree of confidence and one that is questionable. Dear NT Ladies, My heart goes out to those who are experiencing the symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome. Another friend had polio, lost the use of a leg as my grandmother did, and wound up in a wheelchair her whole life, on disability, because that's what they espoused where she was from. To diagnosis and adult with Aspergers requires that the person have: What happens if someone has some of these difficulties but not all? Dr. Kenneth Roberson is an Autism Spectrum Disorder psychologist in San Francisco with over 30 years of experience. . He does not have trouble figuring out his feelings, and he's very good at researching whatever he wants to learn about. They dont conform to social norms with respect to lawful behavior, such as destroying property, stealing, harassing others, and cheating. His mom is his only friend, confidant and enabler. I want to save the marriage if at all possible at this point only because of our children, but I have no idea how.
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